end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
