Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
