There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
