what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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