my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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