Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
