It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
