well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
