you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
