he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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