I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
