You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
