i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
