be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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