If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
