please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
