the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
