Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
