Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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