You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
