xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
