Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
