You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
