I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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