I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
