Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
