I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
