Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
