great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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