two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
