i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
