for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
