What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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