I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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