Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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