garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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