I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
