AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
