People in love make me want to vomit
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
And then my night got REAL pukey
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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