Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
