my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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