Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
