Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
