I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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