Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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