Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
did you just send me my own nude
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
