Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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