i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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