Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
