I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
