My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
